Flabbergasted, never let your guard down

Source: Narcissist woman who tried to tangle with me
Year: 2016
My age: 34


Normally it takes quite a while for a narcissist to show his or her true colors. The love bombing is immediate and they try to rush things in an attempt to get you involved past the point of no return as soon as possible but things usually have a pace and this last experience showed me that you have to be prepared for ANYTHING. No matter how much you know, no matter how much you've seen, you always have to be looking out for the signs, especially if you have a history of attracting monsters. It's crucial to understand that these creatures are chameleons and they will take the shape of whatever they need to in order for you to let them in. They have no true self so they will be whoever it takes for them to be so you let your guard down and they can get their narcissistic supply.

"Harriet" approached me in this public place that is full of very negative people. I go to this place for entertainment and for other reasons, I just keep to myself and have conversations with people who have a much better attitude. I'm widely known for being on of the few foreigners on top of being very easy to spot because I don't look like most people there. Knowing this, Harriet approached me and started a conversation. She appeared to be friendly and it looked like we had a lot in common despite more than doubling my age. I don't have a problem making friends of any age, why would I set such limits? A long conversation at this place led to the first red flag which I totally ignored.

In the following days she put up quite a show. She was pretending to get any food she could get her hands on to the homeless, relentlessly pet any stray dog she would see. She displayed so many traits that when natural would be great, when forced, they just seem creepy. I actually forced myself to ignore this and ignore the gut feeling I had about it by rationalizing it as me being paranoid since I'm trying to get over all these other people and that I had to give her some credit. While all this was happening, a lot of people around us (we kept going back to this place where she first approached me) seemed to have very negative feelings about her. Another "friend" of mine simply snapped and said "Never to that shrew" when I asked him to lend her his phone and later that day a redhead woman approached me and vissibly upset told me that "my friend" had whispered a violent threat into her ear as she got up (more red flags I ignored).

There's something quite eerie about seeing an older lady talk to waiters in a sweet way with the tone while her words are condescending at best or demeaning and humilliating at best all because of minor trangressions such as not bringing extra napkins, creating drama out of things as simple as ordering pie and coffee, often resulting in managers being forced to comp the check. Retaliation would come from taking the waiters' side of course. It is so true what is said about people who disrespect wait staff. Unless something is really wrong with your meal or a particular waiter, you have to run away from anyone who does not respect the work of someone who's serving them.

I was tangled by this woman's love bombing and her charitable act towards the homeless people to whom she fed leftovers. I chose to ignore the warning signs, I didn't bring down all my boundaries and that saved me. This woman went back home a couple of months ago. She was visiting this week. Her act was gone, I was on the receiving end of all her antics. Projecting, demeaning words, lack of empathy, total psychopath behavior. I was left flabbergasted but I walked out mostly unharmed. I'm just gratefuk I only let her in so far, and even within those limits she was way over the top and I should have stopped it earlier.

Excuse him, he doesn't have any manners...

Source: My NPD father
Year: 2005
My age: 23


It was the second half of 2005 and I was paying the price of moving back home. My dad had fired me making me have to improvise everything, my ex was starting to show his true colors around that time on top of the fact of making me drink industrial amounts of alcohol because he didn't want to drink alone. The result of the stress and damage my stomach was enduring was just incredible. Sure I always had relatively high amounts of anxiety and stress and my stomach wasn't going to win any eating contests but I was relatively healthy... until this phase which left me unable to keep anything down (even water) and with heartburn and acid reflux so bad that I couldn't go anywhere without tums or I'd be physically incapacitated.

After repeatedly telling me he'd make me an appointment with his doctor (he actually operated on him), my ex decided to grace me with the honor of actually doing it. I was probably going to need an endoscopy, a lot of expensive tests, and probably surgery. My situation was as bad as it can get without havinc a ruptured stomach ulcer. Since I had been fired by my dad (I did screw up a little because of my ex) I was left with virtually no income and no medical coverage. I was going to need to get a new job with coverage or have my dad help me pay for the medical expenses. He was still mad at me so I never got him to care at all about my health. All he would do was say it was my fault. If I regurgitated or involuntarily burped in front of him he would just yell at me or insult me. He was demeaning and the fact that he couldn't care less about my extreme health problem just because he was mad at me is one of the key evidence I have to prove his condition.

One day we were having lunch at this Mexican food place (was I thrilled about that). I got the mildest things I could and was trying my best to keep my mouth shut and anticipate the spontanous burping and regurgitating (having to learn how to swallow your own regurgitation without having anyone notice is not a skill I wish anyone to develop). I was trying for the 100th time to get him to help me out with the medical bills, I had a rough week, I was very stressed out just by being at the same table with him. Out of the blue, this massive, loud, extremely conspicuous burp came out of nowhere, I wasn't able to stop it, cover my mouth or do anything about it, I was mortified. Instead of having any sort of concern for me (despite what was obviously embarrassing for him and my mom too) he decided that making an even bigger scene was the right course of action. Some people were already staring but to ensure maximum attention he promptly got up and from the top of his lung he said almost shouting it: "Forgive him, he doesn't have any manners". Words can't describe how I felt at that moment. All I could do was get up and leave, deciding to walk all the way to a friend's house to share my story, get to vent a little, and of course go get a smoothie (in lieu of coffee) which I couldn't keep down.

Confess to cheating on you with your former crush?... a test

Source: My NPD ex (previous best friend)
Relationship length: A few months
My age/ his age: 22/ 21

This should have been a sign to just bail completely. It was at the very early stages of my relationship with my ex. Unfortunately he had also been my best friend for a number of years at that time. It was a horrible thing that turned my already sensitized  stomach (NPD father too) inside out and made me experience REAL heartbreak for the very first time..

An important thing is to understand that my ex and I had a 5 year history as friends and eventually best friends. After I had moved to another state for a year and lost contact with him (since he was too busy with his victim at the time), my dad blackmailed me into moving back home and working with him. It took a few months after my return for me to be able to reach him, all his phone numbers had been changed. One day at a diner I ran into this sweet girl (different one) who had dated him and for some reason (maybe he still used her as a backup) she had his updated number and she gave it to me. I called him almost right away, he had no idea I was back but he was happy to hear me. We rekindled our friendship right away.

While in the process of readjusting to my return, I hung out a lot with this other friend. He had a bunch of different types of friends but there was this goth-ish girl that I really liked. For the purposes of this let's call her Wanda. The truth is that Wanda had a bigger crush on my friend than she could have ever had on me, he didn't feel the same way though. I still told him how I felt and he was OK with it, so he made a point of having me go to all the places where he knew she would be. One of those days I was hanging out with my friend, Wanda, and their group. We were having a really good time and Wanda was actually warming up to me. Out of the blue, my ex (who was still just my best friend) called me, he wanted to hang out. These two friends of mine hated each other but I wasn't about to be leaving Wanda and the group when it seemed she was starting to have feelings for me. The only way for us to hang out would be for him to join us, which he did. My other friend didn't last long with him there but other than that the night was pretty uneventful. The only lasting thing was that my ex now knew the name and face of the girl that had me talking so much about her. 

Soon after that night my ex and I were hanging out at this lounge bar which had become a thing for us. Even as friends we were by ourselves a lot, we didn't really like each others' friends too much. It had become a habit that I'd leave work with dad on Friday (until 7 or 8pm) and until then he'd hang out with his gang. As I left work I'd call him, he'd part with them and we would meet at this place we liked so much. One of these times he was acting strange, but it didn't bother me. He was extra charming and flirty. I thought I was seeing things until he at one point made a move that was clearly romantic. I was shocked but I had nothing against this. I went along with it but didn't make any moves of my own in case I was mistaken. Through the following weeks we both started trying to gauge each others' reactions and thoughts. Our thing started becoming very clear. Our relationship progressed at a pace that was probably way slower than he wanted but I was really insecure and losing my friend if I messed up.

Months later as we were having our ususal Friday night drinks together he got very serious out of the blue. I got scared and asked him what was going on. He said he had to tell me something and I had to promise I wouldn't get angry. I figured there was very little at that point he could do to make me angry (I was naive enough not to suspect cheating). He very coldly told me that it was about Wanda (who I stopped seeing completely after he made his move). He said it had happened a couple of months prior and that he was very sorry. He said it wasn't a big deal and it only happened once. He had called her (I didn't even think he had her number) and they went for coffee and ended up at his place. It had never happened again he said. I was distraught, the combination of having him with someone else and that being with a girl in whom I had been interested. I didn't say much for the rest of the night. We left the place and the next day I went on a pre planned roadtrip to see family. I was destroyed inside and I experienced pain and anger I don't wish upon anyone. I didn't know what to do, dumping him seemed the right thing but that seemed more painful than what I was experiencing already. I hardly talked to him all weekend.

When I had returned to town the next Tuesday he asked to see me and I agreed. He came in and this time HE looked upset. I figured he would have to be extra apologetic. It was really sick to think that he'd be the one who was upset but well, that's NPD isn't it. He started taling with his usual arrogance in these situations and he said. "You failed miserably, I can't believe it, I never called Wanda, I wouldn't do that I was testing you, I wanted to see how you'd react in a situation like this and you suck. You ditched me all weekend for nothing, how can I trust you in the future?" I did defend my action a little bit but sadly I ended up apologizing. This is how sick he was/ is. As I said before, I should have ended it there as well but at that point I was hooked and losing hiom was more unbearable than putting up with these things. They really are a sick bunch. 

You don't see cats breeding with dogs

Source: My NPD father
Year: 1993
My age: 11

For my first story I would like to share one of the first serious disagreements I had with my narcissistic father. There's some preamble but it just boils down to me being a poster child during my early childhood, I truly was a good kid: very decent grades, excellent behavior, loved by teachers, smart, independent (as long as it didn't go against him or his wishes of course). My dad in return treated me very well, I was a narcissist father's dream. I was almost always idealized by him. He expected perfection though and if I got only good grades he'd push for more (gently though since he was idealizing me). Growing up I only had two serious problems with him (during my first 10-11 years of life in which I very seldom, if ever, questioned him): these two will be a matter of other stories (they of course have to do with me denying him narcissistic supply by not doing something he wanted me to do which was supposed to be totally optional).

It was during the rough middle school years that one day while we were getting ready to watch a nightly game (it was the playoffs) he said something racist about one of the players. It wasn't the first time I heard him say something racist, he did in fact have a habit of telling racist jokes now and then, however this time he was totally out of context, not joking. He said something horrible and I was really upset hearing him say that. I protested gently, I asked him how he could say that. His response was denying he was a racist, followed by ranting and out of nowhere some rage. He settled down and told me that he wasn't racist at all that he had black and Jewish friends and that he had never once done anything to harm them. He continued saying that he just wasn't attracted to black women and that he thought it was repulsive (I'm just quoting him I apologize for his words).

I still wasn't sold, I was like how can you say that? I was between shock and fear of him yelling again. I wanted to drop the matter, I just didn't want to fight but he said something so irrational and mean that I just couldn't help myself: you don't see cats and dogs breeding do you? Then why does the government allow blacks and whites to get married? I questioned him again, I just had to. I said it was a mean thing to say and it didn't even make logical sense, if anything he should refer to different breeds of animals, not species. It was a combination of him yelling at me and dismissing me. Like he was tired of MY crap at that point. He tried to make me shut up and ignore me at the same time and I didn't stop, until the loud yelling came back and I got sent to my room. The racism debate would always come back in one form or another, with different reactions from me but always showing how he really felt, despite him saying otherwise.

Inception (Why am I doing this?)

The idea of writing this blog came to me recently as I was actually feeling better. When you grow up with a narcissist parent (in my case my dad), the world never looks the same way it does to most people.  The notion of normal goes out the window and your idea of a baseline healthy self esteem is so distorted you can't even really know where you stand until you're well into adulthood and realize you've been dragged through the mud most of your life. Sadly, you probably piled on a heap of unhealthy friendships and romantic relationships that only made things worse. When you grow up abused by narcissists your chances of ending up in love with a narcissist are astronomical. If you can't escape these grim odds then you will end up having to heal from more than one narcissist abusing you and healing from NPD abuse is no laughing matter.

I won't be saying much about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) alone, my goal here is not to define or explain the disorder itself, although I would like from time to time to point out the differences between being a narcissist (malignant narcissist) and being narcissistic (which we all are from time to time). There is way too much use of the word narcissist (misuse more like it) and it hurts everyone that the word is trivialized so much that most people either don't understand the real meaning of being a narcissist and how serious it is or they simply end up totally ignoring the fact. Too little would mean no awareness, too much is trivializing and in both cases we all lose. Please read as much as you can about the condition, there are some useful links on your right.

NPD Flabbergasted is a place where I will share narcissist stories, some will be amusing, some will be frustrating, some will be creepy. How narcissists make you fall for them, how narcissists can actually appear to be very nice (with their selfish reasons underneath of course), how a narcissist can be so devoid of logic, empathy, reason that it can end up costing you your sanity or at least part of it. From a narcissist yelling at a front desk clerk in total rage for no reason, to what they're really thinking when you're in awe, to that famility meeting in which your narcissist went balistic for no apparent reason, I will be sharing all the stories that leave us flabbergasted, speechless, and totally wondering WT* was that?. I will share my own stories, stories from TV shows or movies which I think are relevant, I will be sharing stories other people have shared with me (with their permission of course). All of these will be done with a huge amount of care that no names are revealed and people's privacy is intact. We want to understand the disorder and what it does to them and to us their victims, we don't want to go to war, and in most cases it's unethical and illegal to share names without explicit permission.